Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
