my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
