ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
