Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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