I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
