I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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