i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls