i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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