I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
