I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dating After Heartbreak
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck