Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
