The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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