I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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