He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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