i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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