im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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