listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
