They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
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The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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