I'm drive I can fine osifer
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
