and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
