We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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