cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
