Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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