it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you