her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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