I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
