He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
