if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
