He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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