Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
