if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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