Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
