I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
