The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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