just survived the first fart of the relationship.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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