i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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