oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i out mim tonsoeep
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
