life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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