Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
