It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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