yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
