1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
