Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
