No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
