I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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