yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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