my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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