I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
