mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
