I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think a kid would responsible me up
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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