how can u be prego again
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
