Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
