You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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