Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
