Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
