so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
