Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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