We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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