Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
